Telephone: 020 7300 1700
Address: The Howard Hotel, Temple Place, London WC2
Meal for two, including wine and service, £130.
Nam Nguyen, chef at the newly opened Jaan restaurant of the Howard Hotel on London's Embankment, is a man with a vision, and here it is: the marriage of modern French food and the flavours of Cambodia. When I first heard about this, I was not filled with confidence. The last time France and Cambodia got together, the result was the Khmer Rouge. Still, I am an open-minded chap. I am also, I hope, a sensitive chap, loath to invoke the memory of the million killed by Pol Pot in the service of a few cheap gags. But let me put it like this: once again, the marriage is an unhappy one.
The food at Jaan is, by turns stupid, ill thought-out, or just plain nasty. I may not be able to call it the worst cooking in Britain, but that's only because I haven't eaten in every restaurant in the land. Why am I being so harsh? Because a meal here with wine will set you back £65 a head. You do not spend this sort of money so that chefs can do ludicrous things to food.
Let's start with the taster: on a porcelain spoon came flakes of cod cheek under a 'bacon dressing', for which read: over-fried shards of over-salted bacon that completely overwhelmed the fish. Next to this, a little shot glass of gazpacho which tasted of nothing but tomato purée.
On to the starters. For me, a carpaccio of venison with a dressing of roasted cashews that tasted only of roasted nuts. For my poor companion (Simon, I am so sorry), a ceviche of lobster with a sharp and rather unwelcome peppery end that overwhelmed the fish. After the starters came a little dish of granita, over which was immediately poured a glug of champagne. I asked after the nature of the granita; the waiter didn't have a clue but ultimately it made no difference. The champagne smothered any flavour that might have been there.
Next up - oh, god - the main courses. For me, more cod cheek on sautéed okra. This must be one of the worst ideas in culinary history. Okra works as a thickening agent and that's what it did here. The dish became more and more gluey until I feared my tongue would have to be surgically separated from the roof of my mouth. An unpleasant experience, especially at £20.
And then a pre-dessert of a fig purée, delivered in one of those small sherry glasses. With it came a spoon too big to reach more than halfway down the glass. Clearly, no one at Jaan had attempted to eat this dish, which speaks volumes. I could go on and relate the horrors of hot chocolate mousse with orange-mint-fennel sauce or 'creative cheese' but, really, what's the point?
