Gilgamesh, The Stables Market, Chalk Farm Road, London NW1(020 7482 5757).
Meal for two, including wine and service, £110
Being an old-fashioned soul, I do like to write about the food I try at the restaurant I review rather than, say, my cat's latest trip to the vet, or how my corns are playing me up (even though they are). Because I am a stubborn bastard I will also write about the food this week despite the fact that it is completely irrelevant to the place in which it was eaten. If you want proof of that, start with the name. Gilgamesh was a Sumerian king, part god, part man, who ruled a few thousand years back and took time off from smiting his enemies and making people sore afraid to build a bloody big wall. The name obviously has strong Levantine associations. Therefore the food is... pan Asian. Well, of course. It's dim sum and sushi, sashimi and Thai curries. Go figure.
There is another association with the name, however, that does make sense. The god-king appears in a story called the Epic of Gilgamesh and there is indeed a lot that is epic about this restaurant. It occupies what used to be a lovably knackered part of old Camden Market in north London. Now there is a glass edifice with escalators which lead you up to acres of intricately carved wood panels and a lapis stone bar, all created by thousands of Indian craftsmen. There's room for 100 people to sit in the bar, another 170 in the Babylon lounge, 100 in the Oriental teahouse and 150 in the main dining room, though god knows why they'd want to. It cost £16m and is without doubt the most absurd, vulgar, bombastic venue to have opened in the capital on my watch. I'm sure many people will like it very much.
It reminds me of the 1,000-seater buffet restaurants in the themed hotels of Las Vegas; places where the ceilings may be high, but are so large that they weigh down upon you like the belly of the spaceships in the movie Independence Day. The dining area is a huge glass-and-steel vault which recalls Heathrow's Terminal 4. Racks of lights shine down, and dance music, so heavy on the bass your intestines vibrate, spews from a massive sound system.
As I say, against this the food is irrelevant. To provide it they have hired Ian Pengelley, whose cooking was well regarded at E&O in Notting Hill and less so at his eponymous restaurant, which opened and closed recently in Chelsea. Pengelley knows this stuff and does some of it well. A salad of seared scallops, sweet crispy pork and pea shoots was a lovely assembly. We enjoyed his signature dish of crispy squid. Sashimi of tuna and salmon, served over smoking dry ice, was fine, and yellow-tail nigiri was simply OK. Other things were less impressive.
A spicy spider roll was stodgy and not at all spicy. A red duck Thai curry had to be sent back to be warmed through, and some pork and prawn siu mai dumplings lacked the vivid freshness you would find at Royal China.
But really, who cares? Pan-Asian menus are chosen because they appeal to the lowest common denominator. And there are lots of dishes guaranteed to attract the young people with too much money from nearby Hampstead Garden Suburb who will be their core clientele.
You can get all the stuff available here elsewhere, both cheaper and much better. Ah, but you can't get the light show and the funky music. If I came back in six months' time and found that Pengelley had been replaced by someone doing Indian tapas, or that six months later they were doing Spanish tapas, or six months after that it was Tex-Mex, I wouldn't be at all surprised. Because nothing about the restaurant would have to change.
They can keep the decor, because it's already out of context. They can keep all the sweet but clueless waiters, weaving between empty tables. It would help if they taught them not to serve white wines, like the lovely South African Gewurztraminer we ordered, at a temperature warmer than the curry. But I'm not sure their target audience would notice. They could probably even keep the extortionate prices: £5 for two pieces of nigiri, £4 for three pieces of dim sum, £9.50 for the spicy spider roll. This, after all, is the kingdom of Gilgamesh, and in the land of the gods they do things differently. Just don't go there expecting a nice dinner.
